


What They Say About Sequels

by cjmarlowe



Category: Threesome (UK TV)
Genre: Canon Gay Character, F/M, Futurefic, Impregnation, M/M, Multi, Yuletide 2012, misuse of literature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-22 02:32:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmarlowe/pseuds/cjmarlowe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were really doing it this time. They were really going to have another baby. The only question was how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What They Say About Sequels

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lightgetsin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightgetsin/gifts).



"This is my baby brother," Lily declared to the pleasant stranger delivering Alice's package, rocking the baby doll with the very pink dress in her arms.

"No, honey, that's a doll," said Alice, closing the door in his face. Thankfully after retrieving said package to avoid the embarrassing need to open it on him again.

"And a girl," put in Mitch.

"It's a girl doll."

"His name is Ulysses," said Lily, fluffing his dress.

"His name is what now?" said Alice, looking at Richie accusingly. "You've been letting her read books, haven't you? I told you no good could come of that."

"It's not my fault she has a gender progressive toy," said Richie, twisting and arching backwards over the chair to talk to his daughter. "Lily, you've got to stop telling people that's your baby brother. There. Handled."

"Has she done this before?" said Alice. "She's done this before!"

"Only a couple of times," said Richie. "The regular postman. The lady at the flower shop. The policeman at the corner."

"That nice young couple downstairs," added Mitch. "And don't forget about the kids at her playgroup."

"And their mothers," said Richie. "And your mother."

"My mum?" said Alice. "She said that to _my mum_?"

"It's just a phase," said Richie. "She'll grow out of it, like she grew out of that awkward leopard-print phase."

"Out of it and into what?" said Alice. "Will she get a bigger doll, with those creepy blinking eyes and a pull-thing in the back that makes it say "I love you" and "Feed me" and then tell us that Ulysses is ready for school?"

"That just sounds wrong," said Mitch.

"Of course it sounds wrong!"

"We'd never name our son Ulysses."

"Don't worry about it, Alice," said Richie. "Ulysses can wear a pink dress if he wants to. He's a stylish infant."

"It's not his fashion sense I'm worried about," said Alice, but then if that wasn't it she really did need to sort out what it was. "Do you think she wants one?"

"A dress?"

"A little brother."

They all looked over at Lily, who just smiled her innocent little smile and clutched Ulysses tightly to her chest while she twisted back and forth. A child of few words, their Lily.

"What does that mean?" said Mitch.

"I don't know," said Alice. "I think it looks a little bit like she wants to suffocate him!"

"Is she a psychopath?" said Mitch. "How would we know? Is there a test we can do?"

"She's not a psychopath," said Richie, getting up and taking Lily's hand to lead her to bed. Or trying to take her hand and finding it very thoroughly and intensely gripping the doll. "She might be leaving bruises, though."

"She's abusing her brother!" said Alice. "Do something!"

"What do I do?" said Mitch. "Should I call the police?"

"You're not calling the police on our daughter," said Richie, finally lifting her up doll and all and wrapping an arm around her protectively. "You used to tear the arms off your dolls, Alice."

"I did do that," she said. "And their little legs, too. I just wanted to play doctor with them."

"That is a _very_ different kind of doctor than I played," said Mitch.

"I'm going to play doctor with my brother now," said Lily, and Richie whistled and whirled around with her to head for the bedroom. 

"That's a conversation I'm really not ready to have," said Alice, slumping into Richie's chair the moment they were out of sight.

"Wait, did she mean that she was going to dismember him, or detrouser him?"

"Does it matter?" said Alice, throwing her hands up in the air. "We've failed her as parents! She called him _Ulysses_."

Mitch moved to the arm of the chair and rubbed between her shoulder blades until Richie came back, finger to his lips and tiptoeing out of Lily's room.

"Is she asleep, or is she just pretending so that she can hack us to pieces in our sleep?"

"Don't you think you might be overreacting just a wee bit?"

"What part of all this is an overreaction?"

"Well, the hacking us to pieces part is a bit much, to start" said Richie. "I think it's more likely she'll hug us to death."

"She wants to suffocate her parents!" said Alice. "Where did we go wrong?"

"I think she really does, you know."

" _Does she_?" gasped Alice, looking from Richie to her daughter's bedroom door with a hand to her chest, already thinking about how she was going to go about hiding Lily's crimes.

"Want a brother, I mean," said Richie. "Or a sister. She doesn't seem particular about that bit."

Alice looked at Mitch. Mitch looked at Richie. Richie looked at Alice. Then at Mitch. Then at Alice again. Really, there was a lot of silent looking going on for a very long time."

" _Could_ we?" said Alice.

"Well, obviously we _can_ ," said Richie. "In a strictly technical sense. We have successfully produced a human life."

"It's not like we've never talked about it," said Mitch.

"Do we _want_ to?" said Alice. "For real this time?"

"Well, that's the question, isn't it?" said Richie. "We did all right with Lily."

"Other than her homicidal tendencies," said Alice, then paused and bit a nail. "Okay, I admit I may have misread the signs on that one."

"Do you think?" said Richie. "It's up to you, of course. I mean, it's up to _all_ of us, but you have veto power, seeing how it's your uterus and all."

"Do _you_ want to?" said Alice, looking first to Richie then, longer, at Mitch.

Mitch shrugged. "We're good at this," he said. Despite everything, they had a happy, healthy little girl who was probably more well-adjusted than any of her parents. "I like kids. I love Lily."

"And no offense," said Richie, "but if we're going to do it again, it should probably be sooner rather than later."

"Are you saying I'm getting old?" said Alice. "Richie?"

"I didn't say that!" he said, raising his hands. "But we're looking at the next twenty years or so, when he leaves to go to uni, we'll all be—

"You think Ulysses is going to go to university?" said Mitch. "That'd be all right."

"We're not calling him Ulysses!" said Alice.

"It could be a her."

"We're not calling her Ulysses, either!"

"So are we doing this?" said Richie. "Are we really doing this?"

"I think we're doing this," said Alice.

"Right now?" said Mitch. "Because I'd like to change the sheets this time. You know, make it nice."

"Wait, hold on," said Richie. "I know how we did this the first time, but I'm not sure—"

"Well, we're not doing it _tonight_ ," said Alice. "Lily will wake at the slightest noise and there are some things I'm not prepared to explain until she starts school."

"We should talk about this," said Richie. "The logistics and all. Coffee? Tomorrow?"

"I'll get my mum to take Lily," said Alice. "She's been ringing me about wanting to see her again anyway. She can take her to the park."

"Tomorrow," said Mitch, sitting down with a smile on his face. Of all of them, Alice thought, he looked the most satisfied.

* * *

Alice put a very large bottle of wine in the middle of the table. "All right," she said. "I am ready to begin negotiations."

"Is that for you or for everyone?" Richie asked her.

"If you want some, you'll have to get your own glass," said Alice. "And your own bottle."

"I didn't think negotiations were that _hard_ ," said Mitch. "They weren't that hard the last time. And the last last time."

"The last time we didn't think at all," said Alice, "and the last last time we were _near death_ , which speeds up the whole process."

"There's nothing like imminent demise to help speed up decision making," said Richie, who did indeed get up to get a couple of wine glasses, but served himself out of Alice's bottle. "Are you thinking we're going to do this the old fashioned way? Because you'd have to get me exactly the right amount of drunk." 

"How drunk is that exactly?"

"Too drunk to notice you've got breasts, but not drunk enough that I can't get it up."

"Is there a formula?" she asked. "Seven and a half pints? Eight?"

"Does it matter how much you've had to eat?" asked Mitch. "Should we starve you first?"

"We should do some experiments," said Alice. 

"One of us will have to stay with Lily," said Mitch. "We can trade off drinking nights."

"Or if you don't want to get completely off your face, we could just get Mitch to start you off, then when you're too far gone you can finish in me," said Alice. 

"Oh, how romantic," said Richie.

"We're not looking for romantic," said Alice, "we're looking to impregnate me. Would you rather I got the turkey baster and some nudie magazines again?"

"There are doctors who actually specialise in that sort of thing," said Richie. "We wouldn't have to use kitchen implements."

"Aren't we leaning towards the home-based option? Doctors are so...doctory. With all of those shiny poky things they want to use on my private parts."

"Yet they're still the slightly less complicated option, in this case," said Richie, "since Mitch and I don't actually..."

"Well, you do sometimes," said Alice. "You don't have to pretend with _me_."

"You know about that?" said Mitch.

"Of course I know about it," said Alice. "It was my birthday present. If you didn't want me to know about it, you shouldn't have let me watch. And you especially shouldn't have let me film it."

"Fooling around is not quite the same thing as—"

"It's exactly the same thing," said Alice. "Or we could role-play. I could wear Mitch's clothes and you could take me from behind?"

"This was so much easier when I didn't remember any of it," said Richie, slumping down and resting his forehead on the table.

"But that would work, right? Should we give it a trial run?" 

"If it does work, it's not likely to work _twice_ ," said Richie. "We've got one shot at this so we'll want to get it right."

"It might take more than one try anyway."

"It didn't the last time," said Mitch. "You're very fertile."

"As Richie so kindly pointed out, I'm getting less fertile with every passing moment," said Alice. "We need a foolproof plan."

"I think we have all discovered, much to our chagrin, that there is no such thing as a foolproof plan," said Richie. "There is always a fool bigger than a plan."

"Maybe our plan should be...to have no plan," suggested Mitch. "What's more foolproof than that?"

"That sounds suspiciously like 'let's just get Richie to shag Alice' which, no offense Alice, is a terrible plan."

"Yeah, but for it to work, you can't be expecting it, right?" said Mitch. "Anything we plan that you know about isn't going to work because you'll _know_ that we're trying to trick you into impregnating my wife."

"You make a surprisingly astute point," said Richie, while Alice nodded emphatically.

"So our new plan is Richie doesn't know the new plan, and we get to surprise him at any time to extract semen," said Mitch. "Are we all agreed?"

""We're still going to need the liquor," said Richie. "That needs to be part of the plan.

"Since the plan is Richie doesn't get to know the plan, I guess you're just going to have to find out!" said Alice, while pouring some more wine for all of them. "Okay yes, there will probably be liquor."

*

The first time they tried, Mitch surprised Richie when he got home from work, dropping to his knees in front of the door and opening Richie's pants. The problem with that, of course, was that it was difficult to move to the bedroom after that kind of beginning. Richie tripped over Mitch, then Mitch tripped over Richie, then they sort of ended up rutting against one another, half-clothed, until Richie suddenly came on Mitch's thigh.

"In my defence," he said after a moment, "I had a long day at work."

"We could wait twenty minutes and try again?"

"No, it's ruined now," said Alice, popping out of the hall cupboard. "We'll have to come up with something else."

*

The second time they waited until they were almost entirely certain Richie was wanking in his bedroom, music turned up just a shade too loud and door closed when it normally wouldn't be unless he had company, which was more seldom that he liked to admit. Then, just at what they presumed was the right moment, they burst in to finish the job. Unfortunately, Richie was in a pair of sweats reading a book.

"We could give it a go anyway," said Mitch, running a hand down his chest under Alice's approving eye.

"I'm not really in the mood," said Richie. "Someone just died."

"Someone just _died_?"

"In my book," he said, holding it up for long enough that Alice could see it was a horror story.

"Well, surely you must've seen that coming," she said, nodding at Mitch to go ahead and continue. "My eggs are in decline, Richie! They're _withering_. Isn't that enough horror for you?"

In fairness, he tried, but the moment was really already lost, even before Mitch fell off the edge of the bed.

*

The third time was almost a charm. Almost. Alice quite liked the suit she'd stolen from Richie's closet, even though it didn't quite fit in all the wrong places, and from the look of him Richie was quite taken with it on her too. As was Mitch. Really, it was a win all around. And Mitch gave him a fairly decent blowjob, which was very sweet because he was terrible at them (though not as terrible as he'd been the first time), but when the time came, Richie's little man couldn't take it home.

"I think we should go back to plan A," he said. "Get me thoroughly drunk."

"No," said Alice, "I want us all to remember this one. It might be the last time. Think of my shrivelling eggs!"

"I'm beginning to regret ever mentioning that."

"Beginning?" said Mitch.

"We'll find another way," said Alice. "I'm not giving up yet. The time has not yet come to knock you unconscious and jerk you off into a cup."

"Actually, I'm not sure the time is ever going to come for that. I can jerk myself off just fine, thanks."

"We will prevail!"

*

The fourth try was over almost before it started, and yet still not quite quickly enough. Getting into bed with Richie while he still had morning wood was a great idea in theory, and even in practice it seemed to be coming along nicely while Richie was still sleeping and dreaming about...well, Alice wasn't entirely sure what Richie was dreaming about but her certainly wanted to shag it. But the moment Alice was about to climb on board was, of course, the moment when the pitter patter of little feet came up the hallway and tapped on the door.

"I thought you said she was sleeping!" hissed Alice.

"She was!" said Mitch. "She should have been asleep for another hour!"

"Well, she's clearly not," whispered Alice, and threw her leg back off again and Richie mumbled something in his sleep and rubbed up against Mitch's leg.

Richie probably wondered why he woke up half an hour later with sticky sheets, but neither of them ever told.

It was way more fun that way.

*

The fifth try was the keeper. It turned out one bottle of wine was the magic number, if they combined it with a football shirt (on Alice) and a blindfold (on Richie), which they were going to have to remember if they ever wanted to give number three a go.

"Remember, let me do all the talking," Mitch whispered in her ear, and Alice bit her lip to keep from answering out loud. "Take you clothes off, Richie."

"I'm not sure this is going to—"

"Take your clothes off," said Mitch again, and that time Alice even got a little shiver of excitement at the command. Richie took his clothes off, and Mitch put the blindfold on him.

After that, it was surprisingly smooth sailing. Mitch was way more comfortable with handjobs than blowjobs—after all, he'd been doing _that_ since adolescence—and apparently Richie really liked having someone take charge. When the time came to throw Alice in the mix, Mitch directed Richie to grab her shirt as she threw a leg over to ride him, and he never even stuttered in his rhythm. 

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah," Richie was saying as Alice rode him, then he let out a choked sound and clutched her shirt and Alice was rolling off him just about as soon as he finished coming, flat on her back with her legs in the air.

"Come on, little swimmers, do your thing!" she said, as Richie ripped the blindfold off and stared at the ceiling while he caught his breath.

"I read somewhere that you should come," said Mitch. "That it traps them inside or something."

"I'm pretty sure you saw that on a porn website," said Richie.

"I don't care, we're not taking any chances," said Alice, pointing Mitch between her legs. "Have at!"

Mitch didn't hesitate to lean in between her legs and start sucking at her clit, not fucking her lest his own spunk mix with Richie's and let his defective sperm muck up the process. Even though it didn't seem to have hurt anything the last time. Alice didn't mind that he was worried if he kept on doing _this_.

"Oh, _yes_ ," she cried, and it was even better when Richie grabbed her hand, squeezing it as she came.

"Keep your legs up," said Mitch, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. "Richie, grab one of her legs, we need to keep them up for at least fifteen minutes."

"Why fifteen minutes?"

"I don't know!" said Mitch. It was much more comfortable after they'd each taken a leg, and Alice was able to relax backwards and let Richie's powerful little sperm take care of business."

"Is that it, then?" said Richie afterwards. "Did we do it?"

"That's it!" said Alice. "Whew, that's a relief! I really was starting to think we needed to go back to the turkey baster."

"Uh, I'm really glad we might have managed to impregnate you," said Mitch, "but do we think you could finish me off? I'm getting a little lightheaded."

"I could do it," said Richie, with a shrug when Mitch looked at him in surprise. "I give fantastic blowjobs."

"He does," agreed Alice, but then Mitch already knew that.

"You don't need to be fantastic today, just...present," said Mitch, leaning back on his elbows, and it was like a little reward for a job well done when Alice got to watch Richie give her husband a blowjob before they finally let her get up off the bed.

*

"So?" said Richie as she slipped into the flat and shut the door behind her.

"So?" said Mitch as she took her coat off and hung it neatly, smoothing out the wrinkles.

"What did she say?"

"Are you going to torture us all night?"

Alice turned around and put a hand on her belly, giving them both a bright if tentative smile. "Guess who's got a bun in the oven?"

Mitch whooped and swept her off her feet and whirled her around, knocking over two candles, a dinosaur, and a surprisingly resilient tower of cards. Alice couldn't quite join in their whooping and hollering, and now just because a sleepy Lily came wandering out of her room at the noise.

Because now that they'd done it, they were going to have another _child_. They were going to start over with another tiny human being and hope they miraculously managed to muddle through it again.

"What if this one's terrible?" she said in a loud whisper. "What if we only had one good one in us?"

"You're a wonderful mother," said Richie, "and Ulysses is going to turn out just fine."

And yes. Yes she _was_. Yes _they_ were. Their little girl was the most magnificent little girl in the country and nobody was ever going to tell her otherwise. They were obviously doing something right. But.

"Ulysses?" she said. "Really? Are we still on Ulysses?"

"It's kind of grown on me," admitted Richie. "Mitch has already started embroidering it onto bibs."

"Stencilling," Mitch corrected him. "I'm not allowed near sharp needles anymore, remember?"

Alice sighed. "Well, at least it'll make Lily happy."

And really, what was more important than that?


End file.
